i am such TWAT

WELL

things i have learnt recently -

NEVER go to oxford street primark on a saturday afternoon.

that's about it.and oh,yeah - britney spears and i are best friends.
Got into the arena and up to our seats to realise we were in the last row - about 10 million seats away from the stage.so shit.went out to go get a (£4.30) beer and somehow managed to wangle free tickets to the first block,11 rows away from the stage.amazing seats.saw ciara shaking her ass.went out to get more beer and somehow walked away with wristbands for the VIP circus bit - in all honesty about a metre away from the stage.i saw her skin close up.her hair.her wobbling ass.i can't even begin to describe how good it was.she is the BEST!!!

since saturday i have eaten about 2 main meals and otherwise bits of toast.i've lost over half a stone which usually i would be joyous about but i just feel so sick and nervous all the time i can't eat.
it looks like stevens going to be moving out because he says he still has feelings for me.i obviously still have feelings for him but i don't think getting back together is the right thing to do.if he moves out then he says he's going to australia,he has nothing to stay here for.i don't if im just being selfish but i don't want him to go.but is it right us getting back together just so he won't leave me,as a friend.
he doesn't know and i won't tell me him but i went on a date with someone else.someone who already blanks everyone else in the room to come over and kiss me.i'm not getting my feelings involved just now,it's way too soon because half of me still wants to be with steven.
i'm the most boring person to be around just now,i'm just always on the edge and worrying about it so i'm not any fun.there are so many petty things building up around me just now that it's all snowballing and just urgh.money is very tight just now which isn't great,i'm falling behind with college work,i got my uni acceptance through but i don't know if i want to go,i could quite possibly be pregnant but i'm too scared to find out,i need to get 2 new flatmates and i'm keeping secrets from people and lieing about stuff all just to save my own back.i'm not turning into a very nice person latley but i don't know how to change it.
apologies for the self centered text above,if i write anything in a diary it'll probably get read again which isn't what should happen.

the day is not off to a good start when you have to run and get a glass from the kitchen to trap a spider crawling along your bedroom wall!!!sick,but...
i'm going to spend the day driving tractors round the farm with the man i love!!!

oh good lord i am so sick of writing essays.i'm sick of moaning about having to write them too.all i want to do is have baths,drink red wine and bake cakes.
things with steven are upside down.i did some pretty mean stuff a wee while ago and hurt him quite bad so it's very confusing.i'm fed up thinking about it because i just go round in circles in my head - i just wish someone would tell me what to do so i didn't have to make a choice.silly!
also i am officially OLD on friday,it's not fair.i was thinking today, when did my life start becoming memories?that sounds very deep but i don't mean it like that.For instance, today I randomly remembered going to see system of a down (mental - kombucha mushroom people, sitting around all day) with sophi and how all of a sudden it's in my past memories rather than the memories i'm just having.i'm not very good at explaining it but when i was like,17 it felt like i was going to be that age forever and all the things i was doing round about that time didn't ever feel like i would be looking back on them going 'aw,that was ages ago!'.i'm just feeling old and sentimental.that plus the fact i'm obviously trying to put off writing this stupid report so i'm doing stuff i never do like update my livejournal and actually email people back.what a waster.
i painted my kitchen turquoise the other day and it looks so nice.i stood and just looked at the wall for about an hour after i'd done it aswell,soaking up it's beauty.i love turquoise.
i've got bugger all to write about really,apart from mentioning how poor i am which no one wants to hear.and about how much i want a dog.ditto to that.
i really hate when people call me 'mate' - it's the most patronising term ever.anyway, hope you are all well even though some of you are off in the far corners of the world! x
p.s. - this is the first year since my 16th birthday i won't spend with joe lindsay simpson or sophia morton.i'm sad about that.

i am praying that oatridge is declared shut tomorrow so i can have a snow day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg.jenna got me the david attenborough boxset on dvd.omg.omg.omg.omg

Well i saw twilight at the cinema.Bella really annoys me,edward turns me on more than anything ever (as does jacob..i know) and none of the cullens are beautiful enough.but life dwindles on i suppose!
A shelf fell off the kitchen wall earlier and i almost had a hard attack.It broke a plant pot,one of my scotty dog salt and pepper shakers and has left big gashes out the expensive and time consuming wallpaper.Tommy's DIY services will not be called for again anytime soon then!
I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since new year (feels longer) which means i haven't wasted money on a night out i won't remember,haven't smoked,haven't eaten junk food the next day,haven't had a pounding headache and wanted to barf.it's been very productive so far!
college is dragging so bad man.it's shit.there is only one good class this term (dog training - which,i might add,is only decent when it's a practical class) and the rest are business shitty classes.i honestly wish it was over already - i'm sick of exams and essays.though i love seeing my pals there,they crack me up.
things with steven are okay.he seems to be drinking quite alot but that's probably just cos i can't tell him not to anymore(!)i thought bill would be ecstatic about it but he just gave me some speech about how his kids happiness is paramount to his etc and that's all he wanted for me.shocker!
i'm still holding out that i'll get a puppy for me birthday come february but i know i'm living in denial.what else is there to celebrate?i am going to be 23 which disgusts me.i am older than tom bombadil and he was alive when the world was created.sheesh!
I don't want to leave my boys but a man has emailed saying he has a 12-16ft indoor pond with 4 other turtles living there already.it sounds perfect for them.I wonder if hepburn will think this is a good idea?i just want them to be happy and have lots of space to swim about in.i think that guy is going to send me some pictures.
my friend is due to have her baby on wednesday!that's very exciting.but scary.It's a boy and they're thinking about calling him oscar which is quite cute.it may make him grouchy (oh yeah).


i want a staffy pup.i'd call him daddy,just like cesar.

well if it wasn't for the fact i was £200 into my overdraft i was going to buy myself the david attenborough boxset as a cheer up present.but alas,i can just look at it on amazon for a few months longer.
splitting up is actually a lot shitter than i first imagined and im not coping excellentley i have to say.i should really be finding distractions but the weather today has been so fucking awful i've just moped about.im working tomorrow which is a good thing i think.
this has got to be the longest i've been online in year.im actually on msn which NEVER happens.i'm knitting 3 scarves at the moment.one is black and yellow striped like a bee,the other is a gryffindor scarf and the other is one from 2005 that is pink and brown.so nice.

well steven and me split up on sunday night.i'm not going into personal details on here cos i don't want tarts who read my journal knowing my business.but i'm fine,he's fine.he's actually sitting on the bed now chatting to me as i write this.he's still my best friend but we've just decided to give things a rest.life goes on i suppose!things at school are hectic as hell and i'm a busy bugger but hanving a grand old time.just thought i better write it down on here seeing as every tom dick and hairy wanker will see on bebo i'm now single.honestly,the internet is such a shithead.anyway,hope you're all well.sophi,my love,it was fantastic to spend time with you.xxx
p.s. i know she's not reading this but jo wylie,good luck and i love you forever.

my god i haven't been on lj in aaaaages.what a change to when i was about 17 and on here for a good 3 hours a day.sicko!
i,like everyone else,couldn't believe there was snow the other night.how amazing was it.i get that upside down feeling in my tummy when snow starts falling - it's actually one of my all time favourite things.We were through in stirling (for bobby's 21st) and then stenhousemuir for martin's 30th (steven's brother in law) and they are quite out in the sticks so the snow was totally lying - amazing!AND!One of their neighbours was a retired police dog handler and let me go round and see his alsation - it was the best ever.
I put the christmas tree up on thursday night while steven was at work.it looks freakin sweet this year cos june and i made loads of handmade decorations and they're always my favourite.i got a big advent calendar and have filled it with loads of toys,chocolate and mula for stevie boy.and i've pretty mucg finished my christmas shopping.phew!i'm too organised this year.but it's a good thing i suppose because walking along princes st in december is a disgusting experience.
i had the weirdest dream last night where bill (my dad) and i were in pets at home and i was trying to buy a new lid for my fish tank but he wouldn't let me and we ended up kicking the crap out of each other.like proper mortal combat moves and stuff.i remember spitting on him loads and he would wipe it on me.how do you even work out what that means?!
i still love college and never want my course to end.it's even better now because the lecturer i am in love with takes us for 2 subjects this year and he has a MALAMUTE called dante!!that is so good it hurts.though it is heavy bloody going just now - i have 3 exams and an essay in this week.not so much fun!it's hard trying to juggle everything.I'm in college 3 full days a week and then working the other 4 days so i never get a day off which is ass.
my sister and her boyfriend have moved into the block of flats across from us which is so fun!I can hang out the window and wave to her in her kitchen - hehehe.
How is everyone who reads this?Lorny?Do you have a dog yet?Alice?Are you in canada now?how is it!!!Two of my brothers are there - you should hang with the hetheringtons!Sophi?are you still a sexual predator and what colour is your 'do?ginge i hope!
I'm going to see kings of leon on the 7th.this is unbelievably amazing because i love every single one of them.and the new album is like my favourite thing since fajitas.in january we are also going to see the theatre production of michael jackson's thriller which words can't even describe.i can honestly say that will be better than my wedding day.
i did have quite alot to write about but i forget it all the time.so silly.
anyway,i'm going to cram in a bit of revision before i have to go to work.scones and microbiology just don't work together!

about half an hour ago he ran past the door going 'urgh,a booger just fell out my nose and landed on my jeans' and then just there he came in the room holding something and went 'look how big that nose hair is!!!'
now i understand why so many marriages end in divorce.

i went to erol alkan at the arches on sattaday.it was well good but i still haven't
caught up on sleep from it cos i'm up early to catch the school bus.
my latest essay is 6,000 words on birds.there are no end to the amount of puns involved
with me studying avians and jenna's nickname being the aforementioned BIRDY.
MORE WORK this weekend then a night out on the razzle with the lovely west ladies.
arrested development is my new obsession.if you haven't seen it then take a hike,punks.
it is better than hereos.there - i said it.

first day back at school yesterday.whilst walking the 2 mile road back down to civilisation i slipped on a mud slide,fell on my ass,scraped both hands,bent my wrist and got COVERED in mud.it really did look like i had shat myself.so i walked along like this for a while but was sick of getting beeped at by minging lorry driver men who no doubt wanted to tell me i had diarrhea stuck to my butt.so i took off my jacket and tied it round my waist but i only had a wee white vest on (freezing weather equals cold nip nips) and a turquoise bra and of course it started raining so now i look like a cold slut who was trying to cover up the shit stained jeans i had on with blood on my hands and mud all over my face (don't know how that got there).Forgot to mention i was on my own (i could have laughed it off with someone else there) and approx 1000 students sitting in the library saw it happen.
It's going to be a good first term!

ooh,that chris hoy - he winked at me today while i was making cakes and he was sailing on down past the shop on top of his bus.all the wee ones across at the school were waving flags for him and stuff.it reminded me of when we went to see the parade the day our parliament opened.nice times.
so far,the famous people i've seen - :
kevin bishop (i get him mixed up with gav from gavin and stacey)
kate nash
bill bailey
tim minchin (absolute love)

i'm kind of annoyed i haven't seen anyone better.for instance,H from steps or pat butcher.
when will britney come back?i miss her so much.but i do love the duchess.

http://edinburghnews.scotsman.com/latestnews/Tropical-fish-shop-is-left.4284671.jp

that's my old work.quite shan i suppose.just when i got my turtles back and need to upgrade tanks aswell.life isn't fair.i think all my moaning about not going on holiday has prevailed because i now have 3 coming up!jet setter extraordanaire.
i'm getting doz's rabbit to look after today.i don't even like rabbits,they are pointless and just scared of everything.same as guinea pigs.
anyone going out on wednesday?i am getting reeking cos i'm off on thursday.it would be nice to see some old faces - i may even curtsey at you.

we've been going out 8th months today - how scary!it feels like i've known him since i was in the womb.that bits quite nice.
i got burnt bad at penicuik gala day,but also went on WALTZERS (!!!)
tomorrow's my last day of school for 3 months.i'm looking forward to the summer because i'll be rich.i can make £300 cash in hand in a 5 day week.and i love my job - that's never happened to me before.
my brother is getting married on the 9th august next year in canada.blaaaaaame canada!that just reminds me of kai!

well that madonna and justin timberlake song is probably the worst song i've ever heard apart from 'money too tight to mention' and other simply red disasters.honestly - disappointed in you JT.
on another note - mick hucknall and his cronies have some how been plotting against me and following me around.it seems that they are aware of my hatred for them so spend most of their lives trying to interact with me on a daily basis.examples are listed below :-
1.) whilst wondering around waverly centre just having a nose about,minding my own business i am going up the escalator when 'stars' is bombarded into my ears from the surrounding speakers.hence me actually running out the entrance.
2.)simply sitting watching a bit of t.v.,probably the dog whisperer (i love cesar milan), and an advert comes on for land of leather and their ugly,ugly new couches.but what is that haunting noise i can hear in the background?yes,you guessed it,ginger dreads croning on about a fairground.
3.)watching never mind the buzzcocks when i am in the mood for simon amstell and his sometimes annoying bragging about being jewish,i am hit again by that orange headed monster when trivia about the band's past comes up in a question.swift remote control moves were required here - mainly the use of the mute button.
4.)similar to the above,listening to jonathon ross on the radio when more simply disgusting red questions where asked to his listeners.a quick button push later and i was forced to listen to sara cox who i hate almost as much as 'mick'.
5.)people thinking it's hilarious to sign me up to their mailing list on their website.
6.)this is the one that really gets my goat (hate that expression) because it's so close to my heart.my boyfriend,my sister and my sister's boyfriend think that a 'good night in' involves sitting for 3 hours asking me questions involving mick hucknall.eg. -
"for £1,000,000 would you shag mick hucknall?"
"if it meant you could marry taylor hanson,would you shag mick hucknall?"
"me (my sister talking),steven,lady,mum,dad,bobby,tommy,will,all your family and all your friends are going to die unless you sleep with mick hucknall - would you do it?" - i said no.
"if it meant ashes could come back to life and live eternally,would you sleep with mick hucknall?" - 'fraid i might have agreed to this one.i love ashes so much.
"you are going to die unless you sleep with mick hucknall,do you do it?"
"what would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and mick hucknall had cut off two of his dreads and was using them as drumsticks on your body?"
after a while,when i refuse to play along,it turns into just statements about him -
"on your wedding day i'm going to grind up one of his dreads and mix it into your wedding cake."
"i'm going to play 'the best of simply red' at your funeral."
"i'm going to write to their manager telling them you're terminally ill so that they'll come visit you." - good,i hope you do that because that's when i will shoot them all.
in a moment of weakness,i have once,and only once,confessed to coming anywhere near the hucknall.i was horrendously drunk and had been youtubing titbits of step up,step up 2,beyonce,hip hop dancers and the like and my sister caught me off guard.i admitted i would snog mick hucknall if it meant i could be an amazing street dancer.i would crump my way to the top and be sooo good michael jackson would one day ask me to dance with him.i regretted it straight away because she started screaming and everyone ran through and started chanting and pointing at me.but i still can't make up my mind if i would or not.i am that in love with amazing dancers,i would give anything to be the star of step up 3.

today i touched

a lions nose
a tigers nose
a rhino's whole body
an elephants leg
a zebra's whole body
a giraffe's head


i stink of poo,i have straw in my bra,i also stink of b.o. and sweat and my hair is total frizzball and i have elephant poo under my nails and i'm knackered but it was an absolutley amazing day.here's to tomorrow and the next day and the next!
although i am soooo starving it's unreal.i'm gonna go to tesco in a while and get some bits and pieces for packed lunch and dinner and what not but when I come back I'm going to HAVE to study.i have 4 essays due in and a fucking genetics exam i completley forgot about.i am shit at genetics and revising it is so boring because i can never concentrate for long enough.yuck.
this flat smells of fart,lynx and ready made curries.who could have imagined 3 boys lived here?

Things that are shit

When you see pictures of your boyfriends ex and see that she is absolutely stunning and also does pole dancing as a hobby to keep fit and that he went to watch her in a competition and that you are fat and ugly. the world is so great.

Living in stirling alone for two weeks – the only slightly good thing that could perhaps come of this is primark, but no – even that is rubbish this time around.

On your first day of working at a safari park, totally buggering your back and having to go to hospital only to be told that you have pulled a muscle in your lower back and are not able to continue with your work experience when it was probably the best day you’ve ever had.

Having diarrhoea but not being able to move fast enough to the bathroom because you can’t really move your back.

The bagpipe shop below your flat teaching people how to play ALL DAY.


Things that are great

Possibly being able to go back to the safari park next week if the muscle has healed a bit – therefore not living in stirling this week.

Spending time with old chums such as sophi,ali,potsy,alice,callum,hepburn,SHAFTER etc. The world no longer makes sense now that john bass has moved out though.

Going to Canada a year in august for will and megans wedding.

Going to the US this summer.

Watching either the penguins or the pygmy hippos from the designated areas at work.

Having eight weeks left of college.

Going to see radiohead with an ace group of people.

Going out for tea as double dates - cheesy but very fun and alcohol fuelled.